[White House]

Shorter Press Conference

No need to wade through the transcript--here's a handy condensed version.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Good morning. I will now speak very slowly, as if to small children, ennunciating clearly so that you dullards can understand. Yesterday I nominated a woman for the Supreme Court who is very smart. I know her character, which is good. Her character. Also, she shares my judicial philosophy, which is to do what I say.

I would also like to praise my effort on the work I've done in the gulf following Katrina. We'll have to cut programs to fund Halliburton, which is a sacrifice. The heart of America is big enough to be generous and responsible at the same time.*

I also want to encourage the Congress to reauthorize the Patriot Act, which may help me combat Cindy Sheehan. This is just one of my many positive plans for America.

QUESTION: Is Harriet Miers the most qualified candidate to serve on the Supreme Court?*

BUSH: I carefully examined all my closest toadies and felt that Harriet Miers was indeed the most qualified. She's smart, as am I, as is she for recognizing my own smartness. It's a good decision.

QUESTION: Are you cowering from the Democrats amid the catastrophe of your second term?

BUSH: (Blinking) She's smart and has good character. I picked the best person I could find.*

QUESTION: Since she is so close to you, have you discussed abortion with her?

BUSH: I'm not a chatty guy. I may have mentioned something to her about the Astros, but I don't recall abortion. I have no litmus test. Karl's the policy guy.

QUESTION: Despite your jolly characterization of Iraq, it looks to everyone else like a quagmire. What gives?

BUSH: We are making progress in Iraq. Iraqis are kicking in with the effort. In other words, progress is being made.

QUESTION: You're running a grossly obese government. What's conservative about that?

BUSH: We are at war. And the real problem is Social Security, which we really ought to privatize like I've been saying for a year.

QUESTION: Is there anything that you, yourself, personally, could have done differently now about the Katrina response?

BUSH: Yes, I could have vilified the state and local authorities more quickly. In other words, it wasn't my fault. I will take responsibility for failures at the federal level, which there were none.

QUESTION: Following Katrina, the GOP's obvious racism emerged in an unseemly fashion. How will you reach out to blacks?

BUSH: The race issue is actually economic. Blacks are poor, so the way to help is give them more ownership in society, so I cut taxes for the wealthy. This is a strong motivator.

One of the most important initiatives I laid out was the mentoring program for children whose parents may be in prison.* As many blacks are, but not as a result of laws I helped pass that disproportionately imprison them.

And so you address the racial divide in a variety of ways.*

QUESTION: How much political capital have you got left, in your own mind?*

BUSH: (Blinking) Kill that man.

QUESTION: Will you release papers on Harriet Miers?

BUSH: No. [I]t is important that we maintain executive privilege in the White House.* That's part of the deliberative process.*

Thank you very much.
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*Actual quote.