[White House]

Dick's Four Reasons For Spying

Dick Cheney has a weird kind of mojo. His voice has that whisky growl, and there's something about the tonal quality, the diction, that puts a spell on you. Whereas with Bush, with the blinking and random, awkward hand gestures and inappropriate emphasis, the lies seem highlighted (even mundane statements seem fishy), Cheney is able to offer insane lies with a measure of credibility. Tim Russert can play a clip of Cheney arguing that Saddam had nukes, even when we all know he didn't have nukes, and Cheney gives you a little of the old Rasputin--"Tim, we all know he had nukes"--and you find yourself calmed by his reasonable alternate reality.

Of course, that doesn't change the fact that he's wildly insane. Case in point, here he is on the whole spying business. (For those of you following Hog rants, this is a refinement of the "Shut Up Plebes, I know What's Right" defense.)

Number one, these actions taken are necessary. Number two, these actions are totally appropriate and within the President's authority under the Constitution and laws of the country. Number three, this wartime measure is limited in scope to surveillance associated with terrorists; it is carefully conducted; and the information obtained is used strictly for national security purposes. And number four, the civil liberties of the American people are unimpeded by these actions.

Saddam had nukes, or WMD-related program activities. They'll welcome us with flowers. Saddam and Osama played flag-football together on Eid. The civil liberties of the American people are not compromised when we spy on them.

Put your mojo away, crazy old bastard, you can't fool us anymore!