Wednesday, June 21, 2006


The Unexpected Debate.

A series of stump speeches were planned, but an actual debate broke out in the Senate today. Evincing savvy unprecedented in the donkey stalls, Dems today offered a proposal that the US begin troop redeployment by December. A shorter version of the debate that thereafter ensued*:

John Warner (R-VA): "That will 'send signals' that the US doesn't support its troops. You scurrilous Dems are essentially traitorous bastards. That's the 'signal' we've been sending, via very expensive commercials, since 9/11."

Russ Feingold and John Kerry (Ds - WI and MA): "Since we'll be called traitors no matter what we do, whatsay we just pull out completely in the next year. That way those troops, who we don't support, will at least quit dying on us."

Carl Levin (D-MI): "Look, forget about the one year thing. All we're saying is let's begin a redeployment in another six months. Everyone keeps saying that in six months things will look better, so fine, let's go ahead an plan on it. Our planned redeployment will soothe the animosity in the streets, give the Iraqi government a goal to shoot for, and we won't be committing ourselves to leaving the theater. Anyone got a better plan?"

John Cornyn (R-TX): "We must stay the bloody course to honor those who have fallen, and pardon me from scoring a political point of the backs of dead soldiers, but that's how Kristian Menchaca would want it, you goddam surrender monkeys."

Hillary Clinton (D-NY): "You're obviously just playing politics."

Cornyn: "As if you're not."

Clinton: "Shut up, pinhead."

John McCain (R-AZ): "Look, it's true that the war was an ill-planned, ill-executed catastrophe and that we have pretty much only made things a living nightmare for Iraqis. But never mind our lies and incompetence, you know that the Dems are traitors, so why are we talking about this? Surely our assurances that, despite evidence to the contrary, we will magically begin to turn things around is sufficient. I mean, you can't trust the Democrats. Traitorous bastards."

Levin: "That's really what you're goin' with? That's your best argument?"

McCain: "Yup."

Levin: "All right, then."
*Not exact quotes.


zemeckis said...

oh i wish!!

good writing, are you still working on your political novel?

Absent Mindful said...

You should summarize more debates in this manner. Nice work, Jeff!

Jeff Alworth said...